Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Oh em gee! It's just eff bee, ppl!

I’ve been out traversing the streets of London, and that always makes me tired. Although you know you’re not really in a hurry, you can’t help but think you’re out of whatever loop all these other racing people seem to be in, and you get panicked and start marching right alongside them wondering: “Holy crap, am I late for something? Wait…where am I going? Did I leave the stove on? Do I have a meeting? Am I in labour?!” Even though you know none of those things could possibly be true, and you are in fact just going to meet your friend for coffee and to see if Selfridges has the new MAC palette. But you might as well march anyway, lest you get trampled by a pack of children wearing those odious wheely shoes that could only have been invented by someone who has never once met a child.

So, sitting here in my huddled mass, I thought of what I could talk to you about that would not require an inordinate amount of thought or energy. Such effort for my readers, I know. I was going to rant about the wheely shoes, but I need considerably more energy for that. Instead, I decided to stick with the Facebook theme, since yesterday’s entry went over so well with the subject. (He sent me a thesis, I tell you. I didn’t read it, but I could see there were lots of big, angry words and conjecture about what man-related tragedies in my personal life have made me such a bitter hag.)

Today’s is a little more general: it’s about the "25 things" meme that has been circulating for the past (what seems like) 40 years. And about which everyone seems to have an opinion. The NY Times wrote a kind of “detached observation about you silly people” piece that was funny in places if a bit unduly sarcastic. The Time piece was rather more biting, calling the trend “just so stupid” (author’s emphasis), because most people aren’t funny or insightful, and because she, the author, doesn’t care. The funny thing is that some of the examples she uses to exemplify her point are in fact funny and interesting, my favourites being:
“A horse once fell over while I was riding it.” and
“Sometimes I think pee smells like Cheerios.”
While she, in contrast, just comes across as surly and humourless. Most of my friends are hilarious and/or insightful, and a couple of them might take themselves too seriously, perhaps, but that’s fine too. I’m thrilled to read all their 25 things. Most of them make me laugh in one or two places; a few of them make me think; some of them make me yawn; but all of them teach me something about my friends, and make me feel fortunate to have these people in my life. It's a little silly and self-involved, but we're talking about a site that is dedicated to showcasing me me me. Let people have their harmless fun because trust me, eliminating "25 things" is not going to stamp out narcissism in the four corners of the earth. If you’re too cool to write one, then don’t write one; or don’t read them. In fact, you’re probably just too cool for Facebook altogether so you should just delete your account and find that cure for cancer that you’ve been working on.

So, as an act of rebellion against the jaded and the too cool for school, and in the spirit of laziness which inspired this post, I’m going to post my 25 things as I posted them on Facebook. I make fun of the chain letter style introduction at the beginning of mine, but that’s all in good fun. It isn’t in my nature to be as mushy as the original introduction is, so I changed mine. But here are my 25 that I posted a few days ago. Go ahead and judge me. (Incidentally, several of mine follow the NY Times article formula, and this wasn’t on purpose. I guess I’m predictable. There are worse things to be.):
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged, or as many people as you want because really, no one is counting. You should tag the person who tagged you, but if you do, you won't win the lottery, and if you don't, you won't get leprosy. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you, or I happened to see your name in the drop-down list and remembered that I like you.

1) I get a strong sense of satisfaction from finishing off a product so I can open another, or better yet, try a new one. This applies to everything from body wash to bleach.
2) I hate to sleep. It's a waste of time.
3) Hands are my favourite part of a man's body, and the part I tend to notice most on everyone.
4) I tend to end up liking the wives and girlfriends of my guy friends better than the guys. The same cannot be said of the husbands and boyfriends of my girlfriends.
5) At 5'2", I am taller than both my parents.
6) I once got a job as a cashier just because I enjoy pressing buttons.
7) I don't remember what meat tastes like.
8) I remember everything and everyone (except for what meat tastes like). If I don't remember you, you've either had a face transplant or were wearing a cloaking device when we met.
9) I love shopping and will shop for anything: clothes, food, nails, lumber, colostomy bags...
10) Richard Branson once helped me with my bags at the airport.
11) I always drink red wine. White wine tastes like burp.
12) I have an uncle who makes guitars.
13) I once spent half a night in a dumpster after having been caught on the streets during election riots.
14) I used to have a crush on Johnny Ma Boy.
15) My favourite smells are horses and rain on a hot road.
16) I want to steal Dr. Turk from Scrubs and keep him in my pocket.
17) My 3 most prized possessions were all given to me by the same person at different times.
18) I hate to be touched by strangers.
19) I was once part of an exorcism.
20) I used to have a pet goat named Mars.
21) Bats mortify and disgust me.
22) I don't buy absent-mindedness or forgetfulness as a constant excuse, or get people who say "Remind me ‘cause I’ll forget." You're an adult. Buy a pen and get it together.
23) I hate footbridges that run over highways. I'm convinced someone is going to bounce me and send me plunging to my death. Slow down, people! That is traffic down there!
24) My father can't distinguish my voice from my sisters' voices on the phone. And sometimes in person.
25) After all these years, I still often manage to be struck dumb by the beauty of my sisters, the kindness of my Stein, and my own capacity to heal.

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